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Posted in Edwina says, Words Play.

Scribbled -Benefit of Doubt

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Posted in Edwina says

The Penultimate Five Not To Do’s Guide

Guide One – Do not – Plan the ultimate Leh & Goa Vacation!  

  • This is not something you pile on but a memory you carry down to your legacy. So get up, take that corporate yearly packaged leave they offer you and if your a freelancer, even better! Travel by train or a bus so that you meet different travellers on the way also that it’s cheaper. The advantage of such travel is that you can detour to any other spot with another gang and not just do the overrated Leh Bullet Ride or the Drunk Goa Vacation. Well despite my judgement of Leh & Goa once you do get to your destined spot you know exactly what you got yourself into. A ‘You can’t turn away from this now’ kind of experience!

Guide Two Do not – Pick a career you regret!

  • As philosophical as this sounds, you don’t pick your career, your career picks you. Well at least that’s how it should be. You remember that little passionate moment you had while doing the things that calmed your whole world down? and when some one shun you down saying that, ‘ey that’s just a hobby’ and find something real instead? Well that was your career calling! For eg. Be a CA only if your good being good with numbers not because someone wants you to be one! I won’t even talk about engineering because we all know where that conversation always goes!

Guide Three Do not – Rub someone in the wrong way, ever!

  • Here’s a fun fact. ‘Kindness’ is free of cost. The more you use this the better you achieve. Higher the humility better are your chances to sleep peacefully at night and I do firmly believe that sleeping peacefully at night should be every human’s priority.

Guide Four Do not – Be unhygienic in your body, mind & soul!

  • The world is already filled with filth and the last thing you want is to be affected by it. Don’t always crib to be loved, respected and treated well because all these work like karma. You get back only what you give out to there to the universe. When you give out good vibes i kid you not you have this huge grin stuck in your face and its infectious. A good soul encourages a clean mind and body which keeps you healthy and glowing! But so does tomatoes. So if you can’t be nice to someone? Just stuff that tomato in your mouth and swallow that mean glance away.

Continue reading “The Penultimate Five Not To Do’s Guide”

Posted in Edwina says

Breathe me back to life.

I blankly think while I’m sinking, the destroyed me wondering if I reach for you now will it be okay? Or do I make a straight slit and end it. It’ll stop the crushing pain in my chest. My choice to stop myself in that millisecond isn’t working. I am not that strong anymore. I have become careless, my guard is down. I cannot protect my mind from the harm I’ll cause. My blood is gushing, the thrive is getting stronger with every second to flow out. Do I do it? Will it make things better? It’ll stop, I guess. Everything will slowly go blur, then dark, a gentle rush of memory lane and stand still. I’ll know if there is an after-life. I was always curious of what after-life will look like. I cannot focus. I want to run. I want run very fast. I want to fall and hurt myself so bad that this pain cuts through my internal pain. I can feel tears gushing through my eyes but I don’t sense it anymore. I’m not hungry, I’m not angry. I’m just sad. I feel useless. I never thought I could feel inadequate and probably that’s why they say never say never. I was so full of myself. So powerful so strong and no one could destroy me. But this man happened and I fell in love and I fell apart. Love shouldn’t be so difficult. I have done it, everything I have and I didn’t lose myself while I was feeling it. But things changed. Jealously, insecurity changed it. I’m oblivious to this because I always believed, I believed blindly. I know how I feel, how gullible and destructive I am becoming. I will destroy myself with sadness, pain and I will hurt a lot of them in this process. I am aware of it. I will do it anyway. That is my solution to make me feel better. Pain cuts pain and I’ll hurt myself even further. I’m hurt. I need a friend to get out of this. But I won’t call them. I know I am not alone in this. But I can’t choose any better.

I’m young and I’m stupid. But I probably won’t even give myself a chance to be older and wiser.

I’m a disaster; it’s reached the boiling point. I’m hurt and my chest pains. I can’t breathe and I can’t do anything about it. I’m trying to escape it. The knife looks peaceful on my skin. Should I do it? Just one quick slit and it’ll get better, right?

It is my millisecond to choose.

So I chose to sit this one down and think. Think it all over again.

Tears didn’t shy away from dropping and I sat there thinking. I was somewhere calm and proud of myself that I chose better, that I didn’t do it. It was difficult. But I’m here sitting, silently weeping, hoping for this night to just end.

It’ll get better.

 

Posted in Edwina says

I abide.

A tear gently trickled down my face,

I felt a stabbing pain & I know how I feel.

This has happened before &  yet again i feel helpless.

Looks like i missed a glance to figure things out.

I go back in time and return through this memory lane.

There is ‘worry’ that returned, a worry so kind that it affects my calm.

 Your generous attention that I’m a seeker of just wasn’t enough.

Time flies my love, it always has and it always will.

I thought that it will remain the way it was.

Little did I know things were no longer a promise you made.

 And then things changed again.

Everything seems perfect, complete & good.

But ‘worry’ stayed back hiding in some corner dwelling on fear.

It’s time to hit the free way or i’ll be stuck in this black hole and would never get away.

I have respect, love, thanks and an apology to give to you.

For sticking around, for tolerating, for making me feel i’m worthy too.

And with this last tear trickling down,

I owe you a life time of surprises and love.

I abide.

Posted in Edwina says

Although you’ll leave, we will remain endlessly…

Today you are here & I’m not,


 Someday I’ll be there but by then you would have gone,


 Nevertheless in the puddle of eternity we reside,


It’s our state & at this juncture its we who decide,


 Here everything is steady, ready & wise.


 We dream, we walk, we laugh, we talk,


 We pray, we yell, we scream, we cry,


 Its our secret place where only we can hide,


 & that no-one else can bring to mind,


 the aura we share, in our hearts & minds.


 In here, we both dwell in peace,


 For you and I in this bubble, make this world a master piece.


 

Posted in Edwina says

Apology…

We walked together and then we stopped,
I walked ahead while I felt your pause,
You followed me solemnly without letting me know,
But I had moved forward for I had found more.
I saw you again and it bothered me, Not because it hurt me but because I ailed you,
Not because you didn’t walk me, but because I didn’t walk you,
I lost a company cause I was mean and nasty.
I should have been a friend but all I did was tore you apart.
My apology for the screams, shouts & quarrels.
I didn’t mean ill, had just a little sorrow,
I vented it out in the most crucial time,
When you needed me and I said ‘I’.
I’m sorry for its my fault.
I take full responsibility for its my fall.
Now I have the best of all,
Having no regrets for every plunge,
I’m happy & so content with my happy balloon,
And I wish the same for you too,
Praying may heavens come down to lift you.
You’ll be tall & proud as you always feel,
May you get all the happiness you have ever dreamed…
-Edwina Jansen.